Peace, Vengeance, and the Epitome of Confusion
by kkann
Summary: Ever thought having a voice inside your head was bad? Try three with clashing personalities. What happens when they all collide? Well, that can't be good for Jak. Meant entirely as a parody of Jak and his alter-egos. Jak, however, is not amused...at all.
1. The Hot Chick

**A/N: --_Credit goes to Javahna for the idea.--  
_**Continuation of Javahna's "Incoming!" featuring Keira's internal left vs. right monologue that takes place each time Jak walks by. This time however, it's in Jak's point-of-view, and features his alter-egos (Light and Dark) and …himself all involved in the discussion. Essentially, Jak's pretty much talking to himself. Poor guy. :D

Originally I was going to write it in an actual story format, but I started writing it this way, and it was a lot easier, and I just didn't feel like it at the time…Ah, eventually I'll probably go back and write in story format, but for now, it's kinda pretty much of the same as the way Javahna wrote it. Yeah. Mostly **Dark Jak **checking' out Keira and insulting _Light Jak._

And ah, **Dark **turned out to be a not-so suave Casanova –what with his comments and what not regarding Keira. And stuff. _Light_'s just annoyed with him most of the time. Although _Light_kinda becomes more humorous or jsut kinda whatever that other word is supposed to be later on. Think of **Dark**kind of like Joey from 'Friends' ('specially one of his lines, hinthint.), and just another part of Jak that changes the pronunciation of words to his liking, just because he can.  
**Dark**'s just …eh, he came out to be a bit of a not quite as sharp as he could be…pervert. In a way. Even though, considering, how all three are the same exact person, and well, **Dark**'s thoughts are basically Jak's, in a strange, almost twisted way. And now I have no idea what I'm talking about, but I HAD FUN, JUST BECAUSE I DID. SO BOO. I'LL STOP RAMBLING.

Jak was sitting along at a far booth at the Naughty Ottsel one night watching Keira stand at the bar talking to Tess and Daxter. (The others were there somewhere, I think. Who knows.) Now look what happened.

Who knew alter-egos could make him so jealous? Hurr hurr...

* * *

**Dark:** Hot damn.

_Light:_ What?

**Dark:** Do you not see that?

_Light:_ See what? What am I supposed to _see _when I'm inside someone else's head? All I see is what _he _sees, and right now it's the back of his eyelids. Alright, now he's done blinking. What am I looking at?

**Dark:** How can you not see that?!

_Light:_ See _what?_

**Dark:** That chick! Right there! The one talking to the fuzzy orange thing! Do you not see her?! How do you not see her?!

_Light:_ Oh. That girl? Last time I knew, she wasn't of the poultry persuasion. Isn't she a human, rather than a 'chick'?

**Dark:** Wow.

_Light:_ Are you amazed by this fact?

**Dark: **No, I'm just amazed at the realizations that not only are you a complete idiot, but I lack the ability to care for anything you just said. So, if you'll excuse me Mr.-Hoity-Toity, I'm gonna go back to staring at the hot chick. You can do….whatever it is you do. Debate the meaning of life, count how many numbers there are in infinity. I don't care.

_Light:_ Do you know it's rude to stare?

**Dark:** Don't you know that I don't _care_?

_Light:_ Do you know how she'll react when she realizes you're staring?

**Dark:** _Do you know_ that you just broke my concentration?! Dammit, now I'll have to start all over again. Oh well, how…_unfortunate_. Hurr hurr.

_Light:_ …And you call 'Daxter' the 'moron'.

**Dark: **Shut your damn pie hole so I can 'observe' this woman, in a manner of speaking. And for the record, Daxter is the moron. I'm just kind enough to put up with him.

_Light:_ Yes, I've seen how _kind _you can be.

**Dark:** Dammit, stop talking! I am watching this woman from afar, and so help me, if you interrupt my concentration again, I will make you wish you'd never entered Jak's body. Crap, now she's looking this way.

_Light:_ Yes well, now you're just confusing the poor boy. Now he isn't sure what to do. Or rather, I'm not! We're not! THE WHOLE UNIVERSE IS NOT! Take your pick.

**Dark: **That really isn't that hard to do. Just think of a long math equation and his head'll practically explode. Or just thinking about this girl and watch what happens. Dammit Jak, don't move your head, I'm looking at her!

_Light:_ You've made his/our eye start twitching. Now, which girl are we staring at?

**Dark:** Who do you _think_?! There are two women here, and we're only looking at the one! That green-haired chick. Whatsername- woozah check out that redhead! She's just- Whoah, whoah, whoah. Who the _hell _is that guy?! He's walking toward the her–Jak! Do something! Get your gun! Shoot him! Better yet, let me at 'im! I can take 'im!

_Light: _Oh, Keira? I see now. And that's her father, smart one.

**Dark:** Yeah, well, I don't care who that guy is. I can still take him. _Keira. _Ah-ha, so the hot chick has a name. But now she's not looking toward us anymore. Man, what does she want us to do? Break out into song and dance? Why won't the hot chick look at me?!

_Oh hell no._

**Dark: **Who the hell izzat?

_Light: _What?

_Hell. No._

**Dark:** The hell? Light, what the hell have you done this time?

_Light:_ _Me_?_ You're _the one inappropriately ogling the poor girl!

**Dark:** I'm not _ogling_… I'm merely …_appreciating_ the way she looks.

_Light:_ Staring at her backside is not very appreciative, if you ask me.

**Dark:** Oh yeah? Well who asked ya? I ain't staring. I'm simply glancing around her general vicinity. Don't matter that her butt is right _there_, and you can't tell me you don't see it, 'cause I know we're seeing the same thing here. And I _know _that _you're_…_appreciating_ the same thing.

_Light: _Well, maybe I _was _looking, but now I-

_Dammit, stop looking at her like that!_

**Dark:** I'mma ask once, and only once more, _who the hell is that?!_

_Who do you think you perverted twit?!_

**Dark:** Damn, Light. That hurts.

_Light:_ I haven't done anything! Stop blaming me for everything!

**Dark:** World hunger and non-existent world peace is your fault, and always will be.

_Light:_ _My _fault?! How is that _my _fault?! I'm not the one with horns and claws and the never-ending thirst for vengeance!

**Dark:** Stop judging me!

_Look at her like that again and I swear I'm going to make you regret it._

**Dark:** Oh, threaten me all you want Glow-boy, but you ain't got nothin'. _Nothing. _So go be a pansy and make your daisy chains or…whatever.

_Light:_ How dare you insult me! And I haven't even said anything! Besides, I bring peace and happiness to people, unlike you, who causes them to wet themselves in fear.

**Dark:** What are you, some fat guy that climbs down a chimney into peoples' homes? Nah, you just make people go '_Holy crap there's some glowing guy, what the hell have I been eatin'?_' _I_, on the other head, can handle myself in a fight. All _you_ can do is prance around and sparkle, and then you fly away. So go fly away Glow-Boy, and let me stare in peace.

_Light:_ Excuse m-

**Dark:** Fly away, buddy boy, fly away.

_Light:_ Well I-

**Dark: **Fly away damn you, fly away! Honestly, I feel bad for Jak because he has to put up with you and your goody-two-shoes-ness. Jak, for love of this chick, stop moving your head! No one cares that you have to tie your shoe or the fact that there's something on the ceiling! LOOK AT HER DAMMIT.

_Light: You _feel bad for _Jak _for having to put up with _me? _HA! I have to put up with _you_! And Casanova you're not!!

**Dark: **Oh please. Chicks dig me. Especially this one –you seen the way she looks at Jak and me? Pfft. Who loves you? That's right, no one. NO ONE. _I _have my own fan-club. You've got… wings and glitter. Woah-ho, living large ain't cha?

_Light: _Honestly, all you'll succeed in doing is scaring her off with your perverted sense and inability to form a coherent sentence without a curse, rude remark, or personal vendetta tie-in. So ha-ha brother. Ha-ha.

**Dark: **You callin' _me _a pervert? Have you heard the things that rat's said? Because I- DAMMIT, THAT RAT IS MAKING A MOVE ON HER!! JAK SHOOT IT!!!

_Light: _The 'rat' is intoxicated.

**Dark: **Do I _look _like I care? Actually, he just fell off the bar, so I feel a bit better. Ho-ho, he'll feel that in the mornin'.

_Light: _We're all so relieved. And I will admit, she is rather good-looking.

**Dark: **Hot damn, welcome to the dark side brother! Where life ain't too shabby and you get to look at this chick all day! Jak, don't you roll your eyes at me.

_Stop looking at her like that._

**Dark:**Ah ha, so our visitor makes another appearance. Arrivederci buddy, now hit the road, or better yet, come on over to the dark side so you stare at this chick.

_Light: _Do you have _any _idea who you're talking to?

**Dark: **Not that I really care, buuut… Not a clue. But, I know that you're not bothered by him, so shut it. Weh-heh-hell, lookie-lookie who's lookin' in this direc-tion again. _How you doin'_, chickie?

_Again, hell no._

**Dark: **C'mon buddy, live a little. 'Sides, s'not like Jak's ever gonna figure out what's goin' on.

_Light: _He's more perceptive than you'd think. …I wonder why you haven't noticed yet…

**Dark: **Bud, his best friend's a talking rat. And he can't focus on this chick for more than ten seconds without practically hyperventilatin' or sumthin'. There are days I don't have high hopes for 'im. And he won't stop turning his head so that I can't see this chick! Hold still, dammit Jak.

_Don't you look at her like that._

**Dark: **Can it bud, before I'm forced to take matters into my own hands. And trust me, that won't be pretty.

_Light: _Have you figured out who you are conversing with yet?

**Dark: **Conver-who? All I know is that this guy won't shut up and leave me in peace so that I may continue with my studying of this girl. You seen her lately? _Damn_, why haven't we spoken to her yet? Jak, say somethin', get her attention. Tying yer shoes and twitchin' don't count.

_Light: _You truly are an idiot.

**Dark: **Hey, at least I know how to live, rather than you, ya pansy. Seriously, look at her, and tell me she's not hot.

_Light: _Yes, yes, we all see that she is quite attractive, but can we not focus on something else for more than five milliseconds? Namely this other voice you've been talking to, but have yet to identify?

**Dark: **Oh-ho! So you _do _admit it! She is hot, and you've been holding back fer a while! Tell me, how would describe her…hmm, lessee, her _hair_?

_No, no, no._

_Light: _Er, blue? Green? Colorful? …On her head? How am I supposed to describe it?

**Dark: **And yer gonna say that _I _have no romantic bone in my body? …So to speak. Jak, you keep your eyes on her and off the floor or I'm beating you upside the head. Don't you get all huffy and annoyed with the voices in your head. I can still take you, EVEN IN YOUR MIND. INTERNAL MIND DAMAGE SHALL BE INFLICTED, AND DAMMIT, I WILL WIN THIS WAR.

_Light: _Oh! I see how it is. _I _could be much more romantic than you even in your wildest dreams!

**Dark: **Yeah? Prove it!

_Light: _How so?

_Stop it dammit! I said stop it!_

**Dark: **Shut up random voice, no one cares what you think. As for _you _Mr. Sparkles, I have the ultimate test to prove your…romantic…ness. Ask her out, see what she says. If she says yes, well then, show her how manly you can make sparkles to be. And you will fail, I know it, 'cause being glittery just ain't too romantic.

_Why won't you listen to me?!_

_Light: _How do you expect _me _to ask her out?! If you haven't noticed, we're inside the recesses of Jak's mind! And while we've been 'chatting', we've also been driving the poor boy deeper into madness!

**Dark: **He'll live. Besides, it's not like we really care, eh?

_Light: …_Really.

**Dark: **Pfft, sure, whatever. We'll just make him ask her out. I doubt the chick'll say no, 'specially to _moi_. And Jak, duh. First we gotta think of something to say.

_Do ya mind?!_

**Dark: **I said can it buddy! But, you, ya Winged-Pansy, just make him do it! It's not like you can't take over and make him do it yourself either, ya know! Even though it'll, you know, probably scare her or something. I'll do it instead.

_Light: _Yes well, you see, unlike you, I'm not a fan of taking over Jak's mind and body. I'd rather sit back and allow Jak to make _his own _decisions, rather than the kamikaze actions you have planned. And stop calling me a pansy!

**Dark: **You _are _a pansy! Fine! I'll make him do it!

_Would you both stop?! You'll do no such thing!!_

**Dark: **Oh _yeah_? And just who do you think you are?!

_Light: _Dark…

**Dark: **C'mon bud, I can take you.

_Light: Dark._

**Dark: **What? You afraid now? C'mon out random guy's voice, I can totally kick your as-

_Light: _DARK.

**Dark: **WHAT?! CAN'T YOU TELL I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A THREAT?!

_Light: _First of all, you're making his entire body twitch now. Second, now she's looking this way with a concerned look on her face. Thirdly and finally, have you taken a moment to think of just who you're talking to??

**Dark: **Damn, she's looking this way and I didn't even see it? COME ON. Ah well, we can just make up for it by goin' over there and grabbing 'er. Let's do it. She won't care. I saw her givin' us _the look _the other day. Hint hint, buddy boy. C'mon Jak, up-and-at-em. Got get 'er. AND DO IT NOW.

_Light: _The_…look_? Bah, you lack the ability to focus at all, don't you?

**Dark: **Nah, I can focus. Just depends on what I'm supposed to be focusing on. Take this girl for example. I could focus on _that _for a while.

_Not on your life._

**Dark: **Yeah? And who do you think you- Oh. Crap.

_Light: _Hmm hmm hmm, who's laughing now?

**Dark: **Yeah, uh, h-hey…Hey Jak, what's up?

_Light: _I believe you've succeeded in causing him to be jealous, or, ah, what's the word… Ah yes. Genuinely mad that you've been checking out his girlfriend for the past half-hour, even if he was quite oblivious, for the most part.

**Dark: **Pssh. His girlfriend, my girlfriend. Bwah-ha chico! Betcha didn't see that comin' didya? Eh……..You don't think he really heard any of that, do you? Like the part about staring at her butt, or how hot she was, or how we were gonna grab her and….Er…

_Light: _Judging from how he's currently plotting your demise and how irritated he is at your many comments that should never be repeated, I'd say he's heard enough.

**Dark: **Pfft. Not like he doesn't agree, I've heard some of his thoughts, and mine were a bit tame compared to a few of the ones he had, ho-boy. Heh, ya can't kill me Jak! I _am_ you! Ha ha….Just….Don't kill me.….Please?

_I wouldn't bet on it._

_Light: _JAK! THE AWESOMELY HOT CHICK WITH HAIR CAME OVER! THINK OF SOMETHING! DO SOMETHING!! GRAB HER!! POKE HER!! DO SOMETHING!! QUICK!!!!

Thump.

**Dark: **Damn. I think we killed him.

* * *

**A/N: **And that ending could have been a bit better, but I felt like it was going on for too long. (Nearly three times the length of Javahna's…kinda sorta maybe. :o ) So, that's where it ended, with Dark finally figuring out that Jak could hear every word he'd spoken/thought. Every. Word.

Poor Keira, she has no idea what she's getting into, does she?

This is still based off of Javahna's idea with "Incoming!" Check it out, I tell you. Go read it now. NAOH. With my misspelling and everything.

There may still be more though, regarding Dark and Light's input on just about everything. And I mean _everything. _Name a cut-scene from any of the games from Jak II and up, and maybe I can work it out into some random ditty like this. Though hopefully it won't be as long. (Not so subtle are I? No, I is not. Not I is. Thank-you Yoda.)

:D


	2. This is MADNESS

******A/N: -_Credit goes to Javahna for the idea.-  
_**_Continuation of Javahna's "Incoming!" featuring Keira's internal left vs. right monologue that takes place each time Jak walks by. This time however, it's in Jak's point-of-view, and features his alter-egos (Light and Dark) and …himself all involved in the discussion. Essentially, Jak's pretty much talking to himself. Poor guy. :D_

Oh pssh, it only took me about... 7...8 months to update this. But I actually do have an excuse/reason! Computer died. So now I'm just extrememly lucky whenever I get it to go back on. XD

But again, this features Jak_, Light _and **Dark**, having yet another fairly strange conversation. Just a continuation of the previous chapter. The next few are where it gets really interesting, due to a couple of ideas submitted by a few reviwers. (Thanks again you guys! I'll get those up as soon as I finish them! :D)

* * *

**Dark:** Jak, you fail at life, you know that? No, wait. Actually, you fail so much that you _almost _win. _Almost._

_Light:_ I believe you've wounded his dignity enough for the time being there, Darkkie-boy. That, and his body in general.

**Dark:** Like I really care. Now get up Jak. Pull your head offa that damn table and go talk to _her._

_I can't feel my forehead, damn you._

**Dark:** Oh like it's really my fault. You're the one with that fat head, fat head.

_My head's not fat._

**Dark:** Nah, it's just bloated with your ego then, ain't it? Now would ya mind turning yer head to the side _just a bit _so I can catch a glimpse of this girl? Even if it's just her arm or her hair –her _ear _ever. I really wouldn't care.

_Would you stop mentally hitting on my girlfriend?_

**Dark:** _Our _girlfriend, stupid. I AM you, therefore, she's mine too. You, Glow-boy and moi? We are all the same, pathetic as that sounds. 'Specially 'cause we're stuck with this chump.

_Light:_ It's not like I'm right here, mind you. Go ahead, keep belittling me, see if I care.

**Dark: **With pleasure. Ah-ha! There ya go Jakkie-boy! Getting' yer head up and off the table wasn't too bad now was it?

_It could be a lot worse. I could be stuck here with a voice –no wait, voices inside of my head and a raging headache to top it all off. But hey, that's right, I do! Who would've thought? Dammit, dammit, dammit. _

**Dark: **Pfft. Like you really needed those brain cells. Nice indent in the table, by the way. Very classy. Now, as I've said before, LOOK AT HER DAMN YOU.

_I AM! And she's giving me….us…some strange looks. Ah-_

_Light: _Well Jak, what did you expect? You practically just passed out right in front of her, not to mention most of your friends.

_Were trying to help or just make me feel worse?_

**Dark: **Oh can it. And what do you want her to do? Prance on over here and start twirlin' around professing her love for us….me?

_No, that's what _you _want._

**Dark: **Well, _yeah_, but…You, me, us, big difference. Not that I'd really mind her comin' on over here, but ah well, beggars can't be choosers. NOW GET UP AND GO TALK TO HER.

_I-_

**Dark: **No! Wait! Sit down!

_But you just said that you wanted to-_

**Dark: **Well yeah, but we need to think of something to say to her, stupid.

_Light: _Why not, 'why hello there Keira, I'm sure you already knew this, but in case you didn't, I'm a complete nutcase, mainly because I have voices in my head! One is my own sane one –thank the Precursors-, one actually thinks logically, and the last one? Ho, boy, you don't even want to know! I could go on forever about how egotistical, sarcastic, homicidal, sexist, immature, anarchistic-'

**Dark:** Wow man, that took a lot of guts right there to admit how down-right flawed you are. I'd give you props for it, but you'd probably just take them being the klepto you are.

_Light:_ I wasn't talking about myself! I was talking about-

_Can neither of you focus on anything?_

**Dark:** WAIT A SECOND.

_Oh holy Precursors._

_Light: _Did he figure it out yet?

_Doubt it._

**Dark: **JAK! I thought Keira wasn't your girlfriend. Or at least, you never talk about her like she is.

_What? She is! I mean, no, she's not. But she sort of is. In a way. But not really._

**Dark **& _Light: Is she or isn't she?_

_I…I don't know._

**Dark: **Hot damn, then that means she's free!

_I never said that!_

**Dark: **You implied it buddy, that's all that counts.

_No, no, no!_

_Light: _Jak…Dark, sit down! You're making us look like a fool!

**Dark: **DAMMIT JAK, WOULD YOU STOP DOING SQUATS ALREADY? WE'RE TRYING TO LOOK CALM AND CASUAL. GETTING HER ATTENTION THAT WAY. DO YOU KNOW HOW AWKWARD THIS LOOKS?

_Light: …_Your face is awkward!

_What the hell are you-?_

**Dark: **Your mom is awkward!

_Light: _You did NOT just go there.

**Dark: **I believe I did, Twinkle-Toes!

_Light: _If I could, I would kill you. Slowly.

_DO YOU TWO JUST NATURALLY LACK THE ABILITY TO FOCUS OR WHAT?_

…

**Dark: **…Yeah, well, you're not helping.

_Light: _Don't degrade me, at least I know how to think.

**Dark: **Either way, you're still a dumbas-

_Light: _Bite me.

_Alright, knock it off. If you two want to follow through with this plan so badly, then you have to at least come up with one._

**Dark: **I already told you my plan. Last night.

_Yeah, uh, no. I don't think that would go over too well with her or father. Or anyone else on the face of the planet, or existing._

**Dark: **You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first. And you know that it could totally work.

_Right._

_Light: _Well, perhaps rather than bombarding her with something that could perpetually scar her for life, we should come up with some sort of rational idea that we could follow. Because if we went through with _your _plan, we'd be living along for the rest of our lives. Or dead.

**Dark: **All I got out of that was 'blah blah blah _MY _plan. Dead.' So then it's settled, we'll carry out my idea.

_Like hell._

**Dark: **Yeah, something like that.

_Light: _I'm warning you now, what you're about to do will most likely kill us all.

**Dark: **She'd never kill me. She loves me too much.

_Light: …_You keep telling yourself that.

**Dark: **Oh I will.

_She doesn't love you. She's never actually seen you. Hell, if she ever saw _you _she'd probably turn tail and run. Or slap you. Hell, I'd actually laugh if she slapped you._

_Light: _…Wouldn't that mean she'd be slapping you to-?

**Dark: **Jakkie-Boy, buddy, please. Let's face it. What have you got to offer? Just…you. Wow, that's a…that's a whole lot right there, isn't it? Insert sarcasm here, by the way. Look, Jak, me? WHAT DON'T I HAVE TO OFFER?

_Light: _Charisma? Intelligence? Rational thinking? I could go on all day.

_So what are you saying? I'm not good enough for her?_

**Dark: **Well yeah, pretty much.

_If I'm not good enough for her, than neither are you._

**Dark: **I don't see what you're getting at. I'm a helluva lot better than you, bud.

_You just said we're the same exact person._

**Dark: **I didn't mean it that way!

…_Really._

**Dark: **Alright Jak, fine. Look at it this way. You have never once admitted to me that you truly 'like' this girl. I've seen some of your past thoughts and memories, and she was little more than a friend way-back-when. Now you give her a few passing glances, and it's like she don't even exist. You've almost kissed her twice, and alas, you haven't. SO YOU HAVE FAILED ME. MAKE UP YOUR MIND, DAMMIT. AND I'M STILL NOT FORGIVING YOU FOR THAT EXCHANGE IN THE DESERT LAST MONTH.

_Light: _Sadly, I must agree with him there.

…_I see._

**Dark: **Face it, Jak, you're not going anywhere with this relationship, but I AM. You're too damn afraid of actually going somewhere.

_Light: _And what if she moves on?

**Dark: **I'M NOT GONNA LET HER.

_Light: _Pfft, what?

**Dark: **MINE.

_Light: _You do realize that sounds a bit – Whoah. Why are we moving?

**Dark: **OHMYFODEARTHQUAKE. Pfft, who the hell cares? Jak's just probably going back to doing squats or bashing his head into the table. So hey.

_Light: _You're so caring.

**Dark: **I try. WAIT A SECOND.

_Light: _What?

**Dark: **WE'RE LEGIT MOVING. LEGIT.

_Light: _REALLY. WHY I HADN'T NOTICED.

**Dark: **That's because you're a moron. No, we're like seriously moving. We're-

_Light: _-walking. Jak? Jak what are you doing?

**Dark: **Why are you walking across the bar? Why are we out of the booth? WE STILL HAVE TO THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAAAAAAAAY TO …um...

_Light: _Keira.

**Dark: **KEIRA!

_Light: _Oh sweet Precursors buried in the middle of the planet where no one will ever find them, do see where we're going? DO YOU SEE WHO WE ARE WALKING TOWARDS?

**Dark: **WHY ARE WE WALKING TO HER. JAK. WHAT THE HELL. ARE. YOU. DOING.

_Light: _He's….we're…walking toward Keira. HE IS WALKING TOWARD KEIRA.

**Dark: **WE ARE WALKING TOWARD THE HOT CHICK? JAK, SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO DO THIS? WHY ARE YOU DESTROYING MY REALITY?

_Light: _God save the queen.

**Dark: **…Right. We're stopping, we're stopping, we're stopping, WHY ARE WE STOPPING.

_Light: _He's going to talk to her.

**Dark: **What's he going to SAAAY?

_Light: _I DON'T KNOW! HE'S BLOCKING ME OUT!

**Dark: **JAK FOR THE LOVE OF THIS HOT CHICK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. DAMN YOUUUU.

_Light: _He's…talking to her. He actually is. I- Dark, are….Are you crying?

**Dark: **I'm just so proud. Our Jak, he's finally growing up. He's becoming A MAN. HE HAS BECOME ONE WITH ME.

_Light: _I'm afraid to comment on that. But –oh she's smiling at him…us! She's responding!

…

_Light: _Dark? Are you… are you alright?

**Dark: **This is the happiest moment of my life. I just can't believe this is all happening so I- IS SHE LEANING TOWARD US. WHY IS SHE LEANING TOWARD US.

_Light: _WHY IS HE LEANING TOWARD HER.

**Dark: **WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

_Light: _WHO STARTED THIS MADNESS.

**Dark: **Are we…are they…are we going to-

HEY.

**Dark: **Nooo! No, no, no, no, nooooo!

_Dammit._

_Light: _IT'S THAT FUZZY ORANGE THING. GOD-DAMN THAT LITTLE RAT. I WILL FIND HIM, AND I WILL MAKE HIM REGRET EVER INTERRUPTING THIS MOMENT.

**Dark:** …I-

_Light: _GWAGRH! C'MERE YOU LITTLE FURBALL!

_What the-_

Thunk.

**Dark: **Yeah, you see that? You see what you just did? That was my reality right there. You just killed it. Thank you.

_Light: _Wherever that mangy little rat goes…. I will find him. RARGH.

_Are you…Are you seriously making threats?_

**Dark: **HEY. THAT IS MY JOB.

* * *

**A/N: **If all else fails, blame Daxter for interrupted 'moments' like those.

But again, if you have any ideas for later chapters: _Name a cut-scene from any of the games from Jak II and up, and maybe I can work it out into some random ditty like this. _;D

...Is it sad that I wrote half of it only today -and it only took like, 10 minutes? ;-;  
Is it also sad that I amused myself whiel writing these? xD;

'til next time. :'D


	3. Spiffy and You Know It

**A/N: -**_**Credit goes to Javahna for the idea.-  
**__Continuation of Javahna's "Incoming!" featuring Keira's internal left vs. right monologue that takes place each time Jak walks by. This time however, it's in Jak's point-of-view, and features his alter-egos (Light and Dark) and …himself all involved in the discussion. Essentially, Jak's pretty much talking to himself. Poor guy. :D_

I have successfully applied to college as of last Friday. This is my reward to myself and to you for that. Strange how that works, isn't it?

Not the best chapter, I'll admit that right off the bat. But we'll see how that turns out. ...Um.

**Dark **and _Light_ somewhere ('cause this timeline here is all screwy) in _Jak X_ with Razer. As requested by Katia Monroe. c:

**

* * *

**

**Dark:** Jak, you dumbaaaaaassssssss.

_Excuse me?_

_Light: _Oh just ignore him.

**Dark: **Dumbaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssss.

_Kinda hard to. Considering the fact that he's in my head. And that he's me._

**Dark: **.

_Light: _Well, true, but he's just in one of his moods. Like he usually is.

_That's helpful._

_Light: _Of come off it. You're not doing much either.

**Dark: **Y'know, if I bought a brick, on sale, and named it Peter, it would be a helluva lot smarter than you.

_What the hell? What did I do to you now?_

**Dark: **You know what you did!

_No! I don't! Enlighten me!_

_Light: _Your mojo is slipping.

**Dark: **I know that you know that I know what you know you thought you know that you knew.

…

_WHAT?_

_Light: … I don't even…_

**Dark: **I CAN'T EVEN HEAR MY OWN THEME MUSIC ANYMORE!

_I- Your what?_

_Light: _…Well, I…

**Dark: **Got your attention, dinnit?

_Well, yeah, but… What are you talking about it? What did I do to annoy you now?_

**Dark: **YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW-

_OH NO YOU DON'T. NO, NO I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IN THE HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT._

**Dark: **HOW DARE YOU NOT COMFORT A DISTRAUGHT WOMAN WHEN SHE NEEDS IT MOST.

_Light: What?_

**Dark: **Mm-hm.

_What? You mean-?_

**Dark: **Mm-hmmm.

_When Rayn-?_

**Dark: **You make me 'mm-hm' one more time and I will shave your head. _And _that puffy thing you try to pass off as a goatee.

_You leave that outta this!_

_Light:_ Why, because you think _Keira_ thinks it's sexy?

_What the-_

**Dark: **Light, I'll handle this. Go hide in a corner, cry to yourself, and YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID.

_Light: _But I-

**Dark: **YOU. Corner. NOW.

_Light_: I truly never thought I would say this, but I think I'm beginning to hate you Dark. AND I AM THE PEACEFUL AND HAPPY ONE HERE, DAMMIT.

_Would someone mind filling me in-_

**Dark: **Can it, pretty boy.

_Light: _WE ARE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE ONE HAPPY, CHEERFUL, WELL-TO-DO BEING GOD DAMMIT. BE. HAPPY.

**Dark: **Aw damn Jak, look what you did now.

_I hate you. Get out of my head._

**Dark: **Not likely. You see, oddly enough, I kind like it in here. Stop distracting me, I need to focus. Don't comment on that.

_I—fine. Finish whatever the hell you were talking about. And for the record? Keira does think it's sexy. She told me once._

**Dark: **…Jak, man, she told you there was food in it once. Food in facial hair in not sexy.

_All I'm saying—_

**Dark: **And all I'm saying is chew before you swallow. Almost dying at dinner the other night is not the way to a woman's heart, moron.

_Your lack of consideration is both astounding and duly noted._

**Dark: **Oh fine, Jak. Look, just let me tell you that while Light's off gallivanting and being all moody, maybe I and …sadly you could try to come up with a plan to…

…_Who the hell…_

**Dark: **What is…

_Light: _And that, my dear fellows, is what I think women deem as sexy. Even though he looks like he could probably kill you in your sleep if he so chose.

_That….really doesn't help._

_Light: _It wasn't meant to.

**Dark: **Well damn.

_Ugh, not you too._

**Dark: **I didn't mean it that way. All we need now is for Keira to see this and …well, we're screwed to put it delicately.

_So what do we do?_

**Dark: **You get behind him. I'll push.

_Light: _Let the real men handle this, boy.

**Dark: **Real men? REAL MEN? WHO IS THE ONE TRYING TO WOE A WOMAN? WHO IS THE ONE THAT IS TRYING TO MAKE SURE THAT OUR LIVES ACTUALLY MEAN SOMETHING? THAT'S RIGHT, ME. So if you'll excuse me, I'll handle this waste of gravity, boys.

…_We could light a match. Set him on fire. Make it look like an accident._

_Light: _Jak. Really?

_Well he's already smoking! And like I said, we _could _make it look like an accident._

_Light: _What am I going to do with you people?

_What? I've just been poisoned, I'm half asleep, I'm hungry, and I'm conversing with voices IN MY HEAD. Did I leave anything out?_

**Dark: **You forgot 'not gettin' any,' but don't mind me.

_THANK YOU. AND WE NEED NOT GO THERE._

**Dark: **Damn. You know what we need Jak? We need a suit. Like this guy's, but better. Spiffier.

_What?_

_Light: _I agree. What?

**Dark: **Look, obviously this guy's got something going for him, and I personally think we could sum it up with the suit.

_Light: _Yes, because this suit _totally_ does not scream "Hey look at me! I am a lecher! My life turned out great! I'm not living in my mother's basement sucking down cheap cigarettes and drowning my sorrows in re-runs of old chick flicks and sci-fi! Not at _all!_"

_What the hell I don't even—_

**Dark: **Jak, I don't think you were supposed to understand that. I didn't either. As such, I think you took a few too many good blows to the noggin'.

_Light: _And so, it speaks.

_What the hell kind of voice is that?_

**Dark: **SPEAK IN AN UNDERSTANDIBLE DIALECT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE KNOWN AND UNDERSTOOD IN ANY ONE OF THE MISCELLANEOUS REGIONS OF THIS HERE WORLD.

…_What?_

**Dark: **Oh. Well. His suit's spiffy.

_Spiffy?_

**Dark: **Yes. Spiffy.

_Spiffy._

**Dark: **I like the word. Is that alright with you?

_Yes, actually. Spiffy._

**Dark: **Spif_fy._

_Light: Spiffy._

**Dark: **Spif-_fayyyy._

_Spiff-ayyyy._

**Dark: **SPIFFY.

_SPIFF-FEHH._

_Light: _Spiff-oo.

…

**Dark: **You ruined it. Just…Just no.

_Light: Ruined_ it?

**Dark: **Yes. Killed it. Under a landslide of failure and defecating Goobers and fluffy beings.

_Light: _Well excuse me.

**Dark: **What, did you fart?

_Light: _No I did not—! Why you just—!

_Light just… Oh, crap._

**Dark: **WHAT.

_I think this guy's been talking to us._

**Dark: **Hah—WHAT. Oh. Well then. That's his problem.

_Am I supposed to say something back? Or just stand here and brood?_

**Dark: **Both. Neither. I DON'T KNOW. You might not want to stand here and drool like you are right now. Just a bit. Left side. HA YOU JUST CHECKED.

_Shut UP._

_Light: _Just don't call him spiffy.

_Hang on. Okay, so we'll just glare at him for a moment and –oh my god. My eyes. THEY BURN._

_Light: _Jak?

_IT BURNS. GAH, SO MUCH._

**Dark:** Um, Jak? What the hell's your problem now?

_FFFfffft—I'M BLIND. GOD, WHAT THE HELL. THIS HURTS._

_Light: _Oh geez, we do not just have cigarette smoke blown into our eyes, did we?

_I CAN'T SEE!_

**Dark: **Why I do believe we just did. HUH.

_DAXTER! STOP STARING AT ME LIKE THAT._

**Dark: **Wow. So that rat's really not helping me. Can I eat him later?

_Light: _Dark.

**Dark: **Please? I said please, see? PLEASE? There, I said it again.

_Oh god. What do I do?_

**Dark: **Just breathe Jak! Light! Call a doctor! COME ON JAK, STAY WITH ME. WE ARE HAVING THIS BABY, YOU HEAR ME? YOU CAN DO THIS. COME ON! JUST BREATHE! BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE!

_Light: _I don't even…

_DARK. I HATE YOU. I AM GOING TO CAUSE YOU PHYSICAL HARM AND MAKE YOU REGRET EVERYTHING._

**Dark: **Oh pssh, calm down pretty boy, I'm just reciting some lines for you to say to Keira somewhere down the line. Name the lil' snot after me?

Thunk.

_Light: _I think he's… Dark, I think you successfully killed him. That, or you've just shot every sentient and rational thought to hell.

**Dark: **Well, yeah. Besides, we all know that she's having MY baby anyhow.

_Light: …_One of these days, he's really going to kill you.

**Dark: **But at least he's not complaining about his eyes burning now is he? _Is he?_ I didn't think so.

* * *

**A/N: **What is this I don't even…

Yes. Well. Carry on now. The next part should be up…Will be up…whenever I finish it. Let's go with that.

Cut-scene request moments are still being taken, and will be mixed in with whatever I come up with and decide to write in between. :D


End file.
